We humans tend to seek order in all our experiences, from the smallest, like when we observe clouds and suddenly recognize shapes, faces, animals... to more complex experiences, such as, for example, taking for granted that I am not going to talk to my boss about my salary raise when it is obvious that she is in a terrible mood or I have made a significant mistake that day.

The frame that becomes a wall

Our mind incessantly seeks order and stability, so we develop explanations and patterns, even where there are none. This is a very useful tool that allows us to respond in a simple and quite effective way to all kinds of situations: when we meet new people or simply when we decide not to drink coffee at night because we know it will make it hard for us to sleep. But what happens when these frames are so rigid that they function more like a wall or a straitjacket? And what if it is precisely the lack of flexibility in this framework that prevents me from reaching a more satisfactory solution?

Slaves of the autopilot

Within these frames, many automatic behaviors develop, like when we are complimented on our clothes and we immediately respond with something that contradicts it: "No, but it's a very old dress". We respond to certain facts almost without thinking. Thus, we acquire a range of behaviors, emotions and thoughts that, on the one hand, can make our lives easier, giving us the "security" of anticipating what will happen and, in addition, this range of behaviors also contributes to the feeling of stability that knowing who we are gives us, becoming part of our identity and describing us: "I am very sentimental, I am very jealous, I am very perfectionist...".

The problem arises when these schemes that we build end up enslaving us because they are very comfortable. So, as "I am very nice" I try by all means not to contradict others, even if that goes against my well-being. Or, as "I am very jealous" I must make a scene of jealousy in which the drama that some situations mean for me is clear. The repertoire of adjectives and their corresponding behaviors can be infinite. Thus, we move in our particular file of behaviors, without even stopping to think if such a way of proceeding is useful or benefits us.

How to recognize these harmful patterns?

Typically, these harmful patterns are evidenced in the repeated discomfort that a certain type of interaction causes us, which can be either with people or specific situations: arguing with our children shouting or without really listening to them, eating so excessively that our stomach hurts afterward... That feeling of restlessness, unease or anxiety that arises is a clear sign that these patterns are more like walls that distance us from our well-being.

Can I free myself from these harmful patterns?

These schemes function as fairly stable scripts in our lives. It is common to hear people questioning: Why does this always happen to me? And the answer is simple: maybe because you always do the same (or almost) in a certain situation. Thus, the solution would begin by trying to get out of that script and look for a way to do something minimally or radically different in the situation that bothers us. The difficulty, at first, will be to identify those repeated actions and reactions that, being so automated, are not so evident: Could we describe with certainty the particular way we walk? Similarly, at first, it may not be so obvious why I feel so bad about accepting a task that I had no desire to do, just to continue with my script of being overly obliging.

Introducing new responses in our interaction